Be Gentle With Yourself

Happy New Year! 🎉 and I only wish good things to happen for you in 2025.  Welcome to Ndlalane Health, Its your favorite host here, DocSakhi, and I really hope that January hasn’t killed you yet.

Last week, I received an email from a dear friend of mine overseas who asked, "Why haven't you published anything throughout December?" I chuckled and confessed that my mind was in holiday mode, and it left me devoid of inspiration. She reminded me that we often are our own harshest critics, losing sight of the positive impact we have on those around us.  She mentioned a lot of other important things too, so I decided, to kick off this year,  with a debut article from non-other than her. I’m excited to share a special piece written by Dominee. It’s a powerful message of encouragement and motivation designed to help us power through the year, especially January—a month that can feel overwhelming with back-to-school chaos, university tuition, financial strains, and the aftermath of our December indulgences.

Enjoy:

Hey there wonderful. I don't know about you but for me, the world is feeling pretty heavy this week so I just wanted to shimmy into your inbox with a little cuteness.

Maybe you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. It’s exhausting, right? Let this be your reminder to take a little break. (Crying is okay and encouraged.)

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to power through every moment. You are allowed to slow down, to rest, and to show yourself the same gentleness you give to others.

 Some things to keep in mind:

• You don’t need to have all the answers today.

• It's okay to feel unsure, to not have it all figured out. Take it one small step at a time.

• Your feelings are valid.

• Whatever you’re feeling whether it's sadness, frustration, exhaustion - it's your experience and it’s okay to feel it.

• Rest is productive (if you can - please, please, please give yourself some time to relax or wind down tonight.)

• Resting isn’t a waste of time. It’s how you recharge and heal. You’re allowed to take a break.

• You are worthy of love and care. Especially from yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend. You deserve that compassion.

_{Choose one of these things to do today!}

• Give Yourself a Permission Slip: Write down one thing you give yourself permission to not do today.

• Create a Comfort Corner: Wrap yourself in a blanket, make your favorite warm drink and take five minutes to sit quietly in your cozy space while you read, crochet, play on the Switch, or watch something on tv.

• Slow Down Your Breath : Place your hand on your heart and take three slow, deep breaths. Inhale peace, exhale stress.

• Write a Love Note to Yourself: Open up the "Notes" app in your phone and type out a little encouraging or loving message to yourself.

• Do One Kind Thing for Future You: Whether it’s tidying a little space, prepping tomorrow’s coffee, or setting out cozy clothes for later, give yourself a small gift of "I don't have to think about this later".

Something I’ve always struggled with is the idea that strengths have to show up in every part of your life to 'count.' Like, if you're not a leader in every single situation, then you can't say leadership is one of your strengths. But that's not true. Leadership can still be one of your strengths, even if it only shows up in certain areas, like with your family or in specific situations. I created this workbook to help you see yourself in a new way and empower you to embrace the things you might not always acknowledge about yourself!

Replacing Negative Self-Talk

When I think about self-love I think about the foundation of what it means to love ourselves. It means acts of self-care, it means self-acceptance, and it means focusing on self-talk and the tone and words of our inner voice.

The way I used to talk to myself was incredibly abusive. I remember a specific time several years ago when I had misplaced my wallet. I called myself every terrible name I could think of. I verbally ripped myself apart. I was so stupid. I couldn’t do anything right. Shit like this always happened to me.

It went on and on. There was a happy ending though because I found my wallet. But I still think of that day and the way that I talked to myself. I think the reason that it bothers me so much is because, at that point in my life I knew better. I had spent my whole life with this vicious voice in my head that tore me down at every opportunity and I’d worked so hard to change it.

That day felt like it unraveled all of my work.

But the reason that I remembered it so clearly was that it was the last time that I talked to myself like that. I still get frustrated, the voice inside of my head is not always 100% kind, but she’s a friend. I rely on her to get me through hard times.

When I’m anxious that voice in my head is comforting. When I’m afraid to move out of my comfort zone that voice is encouraging. It’s much different from the jeering, hateful, I-told-you-so voice that used to live rent-free in my head.

My biggest piece of advice: talk back. We tend to just accept that inner voice that says whatever it wants to say. But the truth is – we can often teach it how to be kinder. Think of it as teaching yourself manners.

When your inner voice is unkind – here are some things you can try.

“Where is the proof that this thought is true?” This is helpful when your voice pretends to be a know-it-all and says things like “no one likes you” or “you’ll never be able to do XYZ”. What proof is there that the statement is true? There isn’t any. Even if you’re going through a hard time like disagreeing with a friend or going through a break-up it doesn’t mean that no one likes you.

“Who told me that and why should I believe it?” My partner struggles with this one. He went through a lot of abuse as a kid and was constantly belittled by his father. He’s in therapy and working through it but the voice in his head often mirrors the things he was told as a child. Sometimes our inner voice is “taught” how to talk to us by the people who have hurt us.

 “Would I say the same thing to someone I cared about?” Or “what would someone I care about say to me?” This is a good exercise because often people who struggle with their inner voice are outwardly kind and compassionate people, we just have trouble turning that inward. If you’re really struggling with what your inner voice should say/sound like – think of it as the voice of a friend. You wouldn’t tell your friend that they are worthless because they made a mistake so it’s easier to see how it hurts to use that language toward yourself.

“Is it really “always” or “never” or are am I just frustrated?” The inner voice can do this thing called overgeneralizing. If you do one thing wrong, or even several things wrong, it tells you that you always do things wrong. But none of us have a 100% record for failure. So always and never are not factual.

“Am I expecting myself to be perfect?”

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone messes up and gets things wrong and even fails. And that’s okay. It’s not the end of the world despite how it feels sometimes.

“How can I reframe this?” Reframing is a fancy way of saying looking at it from a different perspective or creating a different narrative around it. I like to add modifiers to my inner voice. “For now. At this moment. But…”

So, “Everything sucks.” turns into “Everything sucks right now.” Which is a more accurate way of looking at it.

“What have I learned from this? What’s a positive?” Sometimes things do suck but there are often positives that come from them. Try to remind yourself of them.

Self-talk doesn’t have to be positive.

You can shoot for neutral or factual. The idea of going from negative self-talk to positive self-talk can be daunting. Baby steps count!

Thank you for reading up to the end, I hope you found this as encouraging as i did. We would love to hear from you. You can reply to this mail or send us email with your comment to [email protected]. If you wish to be part of the writing team, you can also reach out using the same email.

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Cheers bye for now