Killing me softly

If there was an award for self-destruction, I know I would win it.

But why?

If I know I work against myself then why don’t I do something to….well, not-work against myself.

Ah!!

I need another coffee to be able to write this article. Welcome back to Ndlalane Health Newsletters, this is your favorite host, DocSakhi. I know—it’s been a while and the truth is, I’ve been stuck in a cycle many of us know all too well: procrastination, perfectionism, and plain old self-sabotage. I kept telling myself I’d get to it “tomorrow,” but tomorrow kept moving further away. Sound familiar?

We often think of self-destruction as dramatic or obvious. But more often than not, it’s quiet. It’s subtle. It’s the daily decisions that chip away at our potential—the missed deadlines, the skipped workouts, the way we talk ourselves out of doing what we know we’re meant to do.

Today, I want to talk about how we’ve mastered the art of killing ourselves slowly—not with intent, but with consistency. How we’ve become so skilled at working against ourselves that it feels normal.

I already spent so much time on social media, I won’t use it at all the whole day and tomorrow, I will make art. Except, I end up scrolling again and that art day never comes. I need to open my laptop and write that newsletter. It’s been long. But instead, I am on my iPad completely invested on what other people are posting on their newsletter. I need to read articles online instead of watching people dancing on reels on Instagram. But instead, I scroll and scroll until I feel dumber than a donkey.

I need to start making reels of my own. The kind I know will change the lives of those who would watch it. But instead, I keep looking at people who ‘do’ make reels and then I judge them for not being honest, original or cringe.

Why do I do that?

Why do I act as if I do not care for my dreams?

Why do I act against myself?

It’s no longer me vs destiny. It’s not what God or the Universe didn’t give me. Now, it’s me versus myself. I am not a therapist, nor do I have a psychology degree. So I searched on Google, ‘Why do people not take action on what they know they should be doing?’ Obviously, there was plenty of data, and expert opinions on it starting with fear of failure or success, procrastination, lack of motivation, and comfort with the status quo.

But when I looked at this data, I felt as drained as a tired donkey. I know I am not a lazy person. I am also not afraid of failure. I know I am good at what i do and what I want to do is within my reach. I am also not too comfortable to not do what I know I should be doing.

It’s something else — something that I think not enough people talk about. It’s, to me, a habit of self-destruction. A journey that is led by self-sabotage.

The Walk With Demon:

Almost as if the demon sitting inside me enjoys every time I work against myself. Like he wins and then he looks at me, gives me the scariest smirk as if to tell me ‘Look, what I made you do.’

I am scared of that demon. I don’t fight against it anymore. I know if I say anything to him, he will unfold all that I have been trying to avoid, including the mistakes, guilt, shame and inferiority complex that I had packed up real tight in a box and called it ‘healing.’

It’s almost as if this demon was sent to keep pulling me back so I feel this ‘darkness’ deep within my core. You see, this is not something I can talk about to my friends or anyone for that matter. They will think I have gone mad. Or perhaps, I will remind them of the demon sitting in their own chest with whom they have aligned so much so that they don’t even realize why they do what they do.

In any case, the demon is still looking at me. It’s whispering in my ear, ‘Do you really think people will read this article? Do you really think you can write about a topic as complex as this? Come on, write on something easy, speak about a disease, treat a condition or perhaps, read a book instead.’

The demon never leaves me alone. It walks right by my side at all stages. It reminds me of why I will fail or it lures me to do what keeps me away from the important work.

Why does it happen?

Why do we feel this backward pull every time we want/think of moving ahead?

The Battle of God and Devil Within Me:

Have you heard of Hindu’s history — Ramayana?

Let me give you a little context. In layman’s terms, there was a person named Ram (who is by the way a Hindu God). Ram is the light. He is the truth. He is all-powerful. He does what’s right despite how tough or challenging that option is.

There is another guy named Ravana. Ravana is the opposite of Ram. He is cruel. He does everything that’s bad. Even though he is the most knowledgeable and wise, he still chooses the bad and the destruction only to prove that he is the most powerful. Ram was born to kill Ravana so that he could free the world from the torture of Ravana. Long story short, when Ram finally kills Ravana, someone asks him, ‘So, now will everything be happy and good in this world?’

To which Ram (the God) replies, ‘There was a time on earth when good and evil (good and demon) lived on different planets. Then they started to share the same planet (as Ram and Ravana did) but coming forward, there will come a time when both these energies will reside in one man. Ram and Ravana are inside one man. The good and the demon. The God and the devil in one man.’

Hindus are not the only ones who believe this.

Plato, the Greek philosopher explained the same thing through an interesting metaphor.

Plato compared the soul to a person driving a chariot pulled by two flying horses. One horse is beautiful and noble. This horse is our finer spirit. The other horse is ugly and bad. Although, we have the power, as per Plato as well as Ram, to take hold of this chariot and let the ‘good’ horse guide us towards our truth, yet we let the ‘bad’ horse take control — who by the way runs only on sudden impulse.

So why do we do it? Why don’t we take control? 

Well, the reason can differ from person to person. But I can tell you why I didn’t.

1. The Lust for Pleasure:

If I ask you, why you watch TikTok or reels all day even when you know it’s bad for you, what would you say? You like it, don’t you? The relatable memes that make you laugh so hard that you can’t even believe how can someone know exactly what you were thinking or the ‘get ready with me’ videos of those who are wearing what you want to be wearing or ‘let’s explore Italy with me’ because you also want to travel.

The internet has what you want and watching it over and over again gives you a taste, even though virtually, of what it would be like to have what you desire. It’s like experiencing a part of your imaginary personality. Of course, it’s fun. It’s pleasurable and most of all, it doesn’t require any effort, does it?

You can just be on your butt and watch all this drama without using any energy at all. Isn’t that what they say heaven looks like? Not only that, but it helps you experience much more than what is possible for you in reality but it also gives you pleasure without doing any work.

The black horse, the Ravana — loves it.

But like I said, the demon looks back at you after making you do what you know you shouldn’t have been doing. It makes you feel bad. Because ‘bad’ is its nature. So, to avoid this ‘bad’ feeling which can then be broken down as guilt, regret, or shame, you end up indulging in this short-term pleasure even more so that you don’t have to look or listen to the demon. So, you can avoid inner conflict.

We do this until we become one with the demon - until the good horse is tired and has no power left to guide us towards truth. It’s like a vicious cycle and we know we are trapped but we don’t do anything to break it - because we become the demon. We are deep within ourselves and we start to feel comfortable with our current set of choices and habits. We know it’s destroying us and yet, almost as if to prove a point to someone, we make more such bad choices. It’s like being pulled like a moth to a flame.

I feel that’s why an addict can’t give up on his addiction. They know their addiction is destroying them. They no longer like this feeling and yet they do it. It is as if they are watching themselves but no longer themselves

Then again, it’s been a month since I wrote anything and I knew it was not good. It’s destroying the reach that I worked hard on for years - and yet, I didn’t write anyways

Why?

Because I just….I just….

I don’t know why I didn’t. At that time, I had reasons that I can’t even remember right now.

But I can tell you one thing - For the past 3 years, I had a habit of writing every alternate first thing in the morning or evening. I did it without fail. That’s how I built my audience

However, ever since I bought the iPad, I found myself drinking tea and scrolling through Pinterest or reading an article just to show myself that I am doing something productive.

Of course, the more I did this, it became a habit. A new source of pleasure. I always enjoyed writing articles but this time, my brain was getting pleasure without having to do anything. The rest is history.

The reality is this simple:

Our brains are addicted to pleasure - Our brains are naturally more inclined to not want to do anything - Our brains are a habitual device. If you give your brain easy pleasure which involves little to no work, you will become an addict — especially if that ‘addiction’ helps you avoid the tough internal conversations — whether it is to deal with a loss, or your own mistakes. Getting addicted to pleasure was one of my ways to give more power to the black horse - to the devil. To tell him that I am his slave and I will do as it says.

The question is now to you — does your ‘addiction’ empower your demon?

Your addiction can be of any kind. Maybe, you are addicted to alcohol, laziness, overeating, scrolling through social media, sleeping a lot, or anything else. If it makes you act against your truth, it’s the shadow of your demon. Sonke nje sinamaDemon, kahle hle (that’s isiZulu for, we seemingly all have demons).That’s what we need to break free from.

2. The Burn Out Impact:

Do you feel nothing is important or urgent even when your important work is on hold?

I started talking about ‘slow and intentional living’ almost 1.5 years back when I faced a major burnout. But in the past few months, I went from ‘slowing down’ to ‘lazing around.’ There is a difference between taking things slow or rather at a pace you feel comfortable with and avoiding your work and calling it a ‘slow life.’

Somehow, I ended up falling for the second option.

I was so burned out after a series of family and career-related stuff that instead of taking time to understand what had happened to me, or how I moved from here or took a proper break, I started avoiding the important things that made me me.

In those silent moments when you suddenly catch a glimpse of your actions, I realized that I was avoiding my work. I started defending myself in my own head. It was almost as if I was talking to a real person.

I started saying this to myself — ‘I have worked hard, I deserve a break. Nothing would happen if I don’t write today or if I take a full day break.’ Somehow, it became a coping mechanism or in simple words, to convince myself that I am not bad, I am just going through a ‘bad’ period. This became a habit. A habit to avoid all my important work and to keep putting it off for the future. I kept saying, ‘I am dealing with this. I am taking care of that.’

Turned out that I wasn’t taking care of anything. I was just living in ignorance. Surprisingly, you don’t feel burned out when you do too much but also when you do too little of what matters to you. When someone goes through burnout, their energy level goes so down that nothing seems important to them. All they want is detachment and silence.

So you see, as I felt burned out, my energy level went so down that I couldn’t care less for my work.

(When your energy is down and you don’t feel good, chances are higher, you will fall for your ‘addiction’ again which I did)

Now, if you see yourself in my example, maybe the solution for you is not to do too little because you feel burned out but rather to do MORE of what matters to you.

Make a list of all the things that you have been putting on hold. Everything that is important and urgent which needs to be done. Ask yourself, what can I start with and then get on with it.

Irrespective of how tired or demotivated you feel at the moment, force yourself to do the work. Do not put your life on hold by putting your work, your art, your interests or hobbies on hold. For cases like mine (or maybe yours), the feeling of relaxation comes from doing the work, not from taking the ‘break.’ - the truth is, your soul wants to do the work. Your soul wants to do what matters to you. Your soul wants to move ahead — towards your dreams and that’s why you don’t feel good when you don’t do the work or when you avoid doing the work for whatever excuse you give yourself.

To feel lighter is to allow the good horse to fly instead of letting the dark horse pull you back.

Conclusion; Find Your Self-Destruction:

‘How do you think you work against yourself?’

I shared my examples as honestly as I could so you know it’s normal to mess up your life in your own ways and you don’t have to feel scared of your demon.

You can’t truly work in your favor if you don’t realize how you work against yourself.

What is your method of self-destruction? Ask yourself. Become aware of it. Then do the exact opposite of it.

Like me, you don’t need another coffee or you don’t have to wait till it’s exactly 5:00 or on Monday to START. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 You can start now. It’s about letting your will (the good, the God) lead you instead of letting the demon, the devil pull you back.